by teresa wu

Decoding Momma Wu's Email

In italics: What my fobby mother’s emails would actually sound like if she were born and raised in the good ol’ US of A.

Dear Mei,

How is your weekend?

What did you eat? Did you eat out? Why do you eat so much? Did you know I’m down to a size 25? I went to yoga today and yesterday and the day before that. I bet you haven’t exercised in two weeks, huh? Are you still a 28? DAMN GIRL, quit the brownies. Did you spend money this weekend? Why are you spending so much money? WE’RE IN A RECESSION FOR CHRISSAKES and that “freelancing” crap you do is not a real job.

don’t put too muck make up on your eye then you eyes will be ugly.

Why do you look like a prostitute in your photos that I pretend I don’t look at? Do you have a boyfriend yet? Why don’t you have a boyfriend? Can you not frighten your dates by offering to finish their meals? Please don’t marry a black man.

Almost Nov now, you will be 21 years, I hope you Can find good job after you graduate.

HEY FAILURE OF A DAUGHTER, can we quit that whole I-wanna-be-a-writer thing? It was funny for the first three years but now I’m genuinely afraid that you will try to bum with me in my two-bedroom townhouse. It was already tragic enough when you got rejected from not only Berkeley but ALSO LA and ALSO USC and I didn’t slave my ass off to come to America so my child could go to only the 26th best public school in the nation. But now I will have to admit to my judgey Asian friends that not only did you basically not go to college, you’re certifiably unemployed. GAH. SUCH SHAME YOU BRING UPON OUR FAMILY.

We didn’t buy the Condo in Emeryville , we are search Condo in SF now.

Did I mention? Don’t move to New York! I’ll give you a Friends&Family rate on the condo, I swear. Stay in California so I have someone to show my new purses to. PLEAAAASE? LOVE YOU BABY GIRL.

Love you Don’t sleep too late otherwise you can black eye

Oh yeah, so… undereye circles. YOU HAZ THEM. Here’s the deal: After you got that C in 7th grade math and I beat you in front of your carpool — remember that? sorry, our whole neighborhood is glad I outgrew that physically abusive phase — we realized that you would probably be unsuccessful in all academic/professional ventures. But Dad and I are still clinging on to the hope that you will seduce a wildly successful Taiwanese-American Harvard graduate. We are willing to overlook male pattern baldness if he has an MBA. But you are going to thwart our grand plan by not sleeping and instead allowing dark circles to take over your average-but-reasonably-attractive-for-now face. By the way, did you want to get your moles removed when we go to Taiwan next? They are looking pretty unsightly. I think that’s why you don’t have a boyfriend. Wear SPF, OK?

Mom

PS: Drive safe.

PPS: Please don’t marry a black man.